如煙

The last time I went back to the rural village where my late great-grandmother spent almost her whole life at, was close to 3 years ago. It was during the June break in 2010, and we rushed back because the old lady, who was already in her late 90s, was about to leave this world.

It was fortunate that we were by her side during the last few days of her life, although she could no longer recognise anyone, not even her old neighbours who lived next door.

Less than a year after she passed away, her house, along with the yard shared with three other households, was burnt down in the middle of the night. Till today, no one knows what led to the fire but thankfully no one was hurt. Even more thankful for fact that the house got destroyed after she passed away though, because it would have costed her life if she had to witness her house being burnt into ashes (3rd last picture). It was her everything.

Anyway, it was nice to return to this place again on a sunny spring day. I can't say I have a lot of feelings for this village, but I've been coming here once every few years since young and that's enough for me to sense a bit of familiarity here and there. Pretty sad to see more and more modern houses being built there, and less and less elderly being left behind because of obvious reasons. Also because the younger generations would rather find more opportunities in bigger cities instead of spending their whole life staying there. And most of them don't come back after they left.

Climbed halfway up the mountain to pay respect to my late great-grandma and grandma (whom I never got to meet, and never will) like we did in the past. Nothing really changed I suppose, except the overgrown wild grass created some obstacles along the way, and I felt old because I found myself panting so easily. Oh no.

The little surprise of the day are the piglets! They are so adorable, hehe. Fat, smelly and in a soft shade of pinkish beige - just like real pigs. And of course they were doing what they do best, i.e. sleeping on top of each other, as if their siblings are pillows.

But I shall not judge them, because on some lazy days, I tend to lie around in this manner too.

不覺得痛 是覺得空

只 有 妳　懂 得 我
就 像 被 困 住 的 野 獸
在 摩 天 大 樓　渴 求　自 由

You Are My Home | Thought Catalogue

I remember the first time I heard your voice. I can still remember telling you how soothing I found it, how much it calmed me. It still does, even though we’re strangers. You’re silent, but your words are still very much alive in me. You are my home, even though the door is locked and the lights are off.

It’s not a choice as much as it is a beautiful nagging that’s nearly impossible to ignore. But I’m locked out, left to wander, and I’ve found myself here. I know I left in a childish fit, and you locked the iron gate so tightly; you had to. So I was left out in the darkness, just me and the shadows that haunted me, the ones that led me away from you to begin with. You left me outside to face them. You wouldn’t let me lean on you to deal with them anymore.

You are my home because you are the place I choose to return to over and over again. The place that, even when painful, means the most. You are my home because you have made me who I am, whether or not you realized what you were doing. You are my home because you showed me the best kind of love there is.

You showed me real, genuine, love-you-so-much-it-hurts-and-changes-me-at-my-core love. It was a blissful combination of finally feeling alive mixed with the most painfully difficult challenge I never thought I’d have to deal with. I didn’t know I could ever feel so strongly that I’d end up there.

And yet, I still believe, that although that love may have been all of those challenging things, it was still unconditional, undeniable, and above all, beautiful. Miraculous. And that’s what keeps me at your door.

I’ve found that, at the end of the day, what’s hurt me the most has been thinking I wasn’t loved by the people I found myself inextricably bound to. In some cases, it was a biological attachment. But in our case, it was something that goes beyond that.

It’s as though the longing for acceptance from the people we are most devoted to, body or soul, is the most painful thing when not reciprocated, and yet, we care so much it can haunt us for our whole lives, if we let it. I wanted to let you know that the shadows in my life have been replaced. You exorcised them and your memory resides instead.

(By Brianna Wiest, via Thought Catalogue)

xxx

Just read this in the middle of the night with a pretty strong craving for a second cup of coffee for today (or maybe not, since it's 18 minutes into the next day) for no known reason. Haven't been hit in the face by something this felicitous in awhile. Suddenly I feel exposed, yet thankful to have my exact feelings expressed in such beautiful words; lonely, though not quite alone knowing that I'm not the only one.

The words 'inextricably bound to' sound so much like a thick rope I try so hard to tie around you without your consent, naively hoping that in that way, I may be able to make you stay. Oh no, not even around you, but around your shadow which I willingly get haunted by everyday, because you have already left me behind. And I can't even make out your silhouette now. That's how far you have gone.

I don't know how long it will take for me to be home again. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to go home again. I don't know what the future might bring. I don't know how much longer I can last. I don't know how much longer you intend to leave me wandering in darkness.

All I know is, I'm fighting to stay strong because what you've done has made me perpetually homesick. And deep down inside, I know it's not going to to go away until the day I'm home again. I have no explanation to make you understand why, because I don't even have an answer for myself. What do you mean by why? There is no why.

"You are my home because you are the place I choose to return to over and over again.
The place that, even when painful, means the most."

First Spring

Hello. It's been awhile since I last updated.

I've always been lousy at running a blog. But this time, I just didn't know how to continue posting after so long because the last time I did, I was still so... happy. Contented. Blissful. And simply at ease. And now, I just don't know how to continue without sounding different. So I thought I'll post more pictures instead.

Come to think of it, this can be considered as my first spring experience because the last time I witnessed this season, I was still a baby. It's truly heartwarming to see pretty flowers blooming everywhere out of a sudden. Like before you realised, there's beauty, there's life, there's hope. All around you.

It's a pity that I have to welcome my first spring in this manner though. In this miserable state. I feel so terribly sorry to Mother Nature. But with every petal that I see, every joyful chirp that I hear, and every time I feel the warm breeze blowing softly, I'm reminded of how badly I want to share all these happiness with you. And it hurts because I can't anymore.

I guess this is spring's gentle way of reminding me that I'm missing you.
Hope you're well. x